Mark Twain Quotes
Mark Twain was an American writer and humorist whose observations about human nature remain sharp more than a century later. He had a gift for wrapping serious truths in humor, covering everything from honesty to foolishness to the size of the fight in the dog. His wit was dry, his timing was perfect, and his targets were usually deserving.
These quotes are useful for speeches, essays, social media posts, or any occasion that calls for a well-placed one-liner with substance behind it. Browse through and enjoy the ones that make you think while you laugh.
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“It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.”
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“It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.”
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“If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.”
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“If it's your job to eat a frog, it's best to do it first thing in the morning. And If it's your job to eat two frogs, it's best to eat the biggest one first.”
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“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.”
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“Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.”
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“Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.”
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“Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.”
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“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.”
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“Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.”
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“The secret of getting ahead is getting started.”
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“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.”
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“The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.”
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“In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.”
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“Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.”
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“My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it.”
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“A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.”
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“The lack of money is the root of all evil.”
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“Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear.”
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“Buy land, they're not making it anymore.”
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“Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it.”
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“Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.”
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“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”
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“Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.”
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“Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.”
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“You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.”
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“It ain't those parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand.”
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“Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.”
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“In the Spring, I have counted 136 different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours.”
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“Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn't.”
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“Golf is a good walk spoiled.”
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“The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.”
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“Don't let schooling interfere with your education.”
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“Do the thing you fear most and the death of fear is certain.”
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“Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often.”
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“The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.”
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“Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.”
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“Part of the secret of a success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.”
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“Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.”
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“A man's character may be learned from the adjectives which he habitually uses in conversation.”
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“When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.”
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“I can live for two months on a good compliment.”
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“All generalizations are false, including this one.”
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“There is no distinctly American criminal class - except Congress.”
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“Never pick a fight with people who buy ink by the barrel.”
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“Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.”
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“There are basically two types of people. People who accomplish things, and people who claim to have accomplished things. The first group is less crowded.”
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“Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.”
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“Let us endeavor so to live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.”
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“There are people who can do all fine and heroic things but one - keep from telling their happiness to the unhappy.”
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“Thunder is good, thunder is impressive; but it is lightning that does the work.”
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“We have the best government that money can buy.”
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“The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.”
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“Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.”
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“Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.”
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“It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.”
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“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.”
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“Loyalty to petrified opinion never yet broke a chain or freed a human soul.”
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“Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone, you may still exist, but you have ceased to live.”
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“I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places.”
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“There are lies, damned lies and statistics.”
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“It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them.”
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“It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare.”
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“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.”
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“A person who won't read has no advantage over one who can't read.”
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“The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause.”
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“I came in with Halley's Comet in 1835. It is coming again next year, and I expect to go out with it. It will be the greatest disappointment of my life if I don't go out with Halley's Comet. The Almighty has said, no doubt: 'Now here are these two unaccountable freaks; they came in together, they must go out together.'”
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“Humor is mankind's greatest blessing.”
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“The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year.”
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“Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.”
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“I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”
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“Many a small thing has been made large by the right kind of advertising.”
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“Apparently there is nothing that cannot happen today.”
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“Laws control the lesser man… Right conduct controls the greater one.”
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“A man is never more truthful than when he acknowledges himself a liar.”
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“Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.”
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“Everything has its limit - iron ore cannot be educated into gold.”
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“It's no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense.”
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“She was not quite what you would call refined. She was not quite what you would call unrefined. She was the kind of person that keeps a parrot.”
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“Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.”
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“Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get.”
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“When in doubt tell the truth.”
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“Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts.”
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“The trouble ain't that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain't distributed right.”
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“The more things are forbidden, the more popular they become.”
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“If the world comes to an end, I want to be in Cincinnati. Everything comes there ten years later.”
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“If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.”
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“The more you explain it, the more I don't understand it.”
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“Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.”
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“I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up.”
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“But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?”
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“Grief can take care if itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.”
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“There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably desirable.”
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“Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial 'we.'”
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“Be careless in your dress if you must, but keep a tidy soul.”
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“I was seldom able to see an opportunity until it had ceased to be one.”
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“It were not best that we should all think alike; it is difference of opinion that makes horse races.”
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“Patriot: the person who can holler the loudest without knowing what he is hollering about.”
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“Under certain circumstances, urgent circumstances, desperate circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.”
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“There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.”
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“A person with a new idea is a crank until the idea succeeds.”
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“The difference between the almost right word and the right word is really a large matter - 'tis the difference between the lightning-bug and the lightning.”
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“Necessity is the mother of taking chances.”
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“The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.”
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“Often it does seem such a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.”
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“A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.”
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“Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.”
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“What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin.”
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“I don't give a damn for a man that can only spell a word one way.”
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“When people do not respect us we are sharply offended; yet in his private heart no man much respects himself.”
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“The very ink with which history is written is merely fluid prejudice.”
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“The most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop.”
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“If man could be crossed with the cat it would improve man, but deteriorate the cat.”
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“Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run.”
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“Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities.”
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“Familiarity breeds contempt - and children.”
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“To refuse awards is another way of accepting them with more noise than is normal.”
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“I never let schooling interfere with my education.”
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“Truth is mighty and will prevail. There is nothing wrong with this, except that it ain't so.”
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“Prosperity is the best protector of principle.”
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“Truth is the most valuable thing we have. Let us economize it.”
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“Work is a necessary evil to be avoided.”
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“Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do. Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do.”
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“Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved.”
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“The main difference between a cat and a lie is that a cat only has nine lives.”
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“All emotion is involuntary when genuine.”
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“When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.”
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“What, sir, would the people of the earth be without woman? They would be scarce, sir, almighty scarce.”
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“Lord save us all from old age and broken health and a hope tree that has lost the faculty of putting out blossoms.”
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“When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.”
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“Training is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.”
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“All right, then, I'll go to hell.”
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“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.”
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“Do not tell fish stories where the people know you; but particularly, don't tell them where they know the fish.”
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“It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.”
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“My books are like water; those of the great geniuses are wine. (Fortunately) everybody drinks water.”
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“Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand.”
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“Man will do many things to get himself loved, he will do all things to get himself envied.”
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“No sinner is ever saved after the first twenty minutes of a sermon.”
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“Principles have no real force except when one is well-fed.”
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“The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that procession but carrying a banner.”
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“There are several good protections against temptation, but the surest is cowardice.”
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“When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it's a sure sign you're getting old.”
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“Let us not be too particular; it is better to have old secondhand diamonds than none at all.”
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“Wit is the sudden marriage of ideas which, before their union, were not perceived to have any relation.”
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“The public is the only critic whose opinion is worth anything at all.”
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“It is better to take what does not belong to you than to let it lie around neglected.”
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“What a wee little part of a person's life are his acts and his words! His real life is led in his head, and is known to none but himself.”
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“The Public is merely a multiplied 'me.'”
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“Man was made at the end of the week's work, when God was tired.”
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“I have never taken any exercise, except sleeping and resting, and I never intend to take any.”
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“Thousands of geniuses live and die undiscovered - either by themselves or by others.”
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“By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.”
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“It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not deserve them.”
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“Loyalty to the Nation all the time, loyalty to the Government when it deserves it.”
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“Ideally a book would have no order to it, and the reader would have to discover his own.”
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“Man is the only animal that blushes - or needs to.”
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“Biographies are but the clothes and buttons of the man. The biography of the man himself cannot be written.”
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“The man who is a pessimist before 48 knows too much; if he is an optimist after it, he knows too little.”
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“God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board.”
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“I never smoke to excess - that is, I smoke in moderation, only one cigar at a time.”
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“We are all alike, on the inside.”
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“Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person.”
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“I have been complimented many times and they always embarrass me; I always feel that they have not said enough.”
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“A round man cannot be expected to fit in a square hole right away. He must have time to modify his shape.”
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“Why shouldn't truth be stranger than fiction? Fiction, after all, has to make sense.”
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“Drag your thoughts away from your troubles… by the ears, by the heels, or any other way you can manage it.”
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“Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.”
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“Few of us can stand prosperity. Another man's, I mean.”
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“Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late.”
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“To be good is noble; but to show others how to be good is nobler and no trouble.”
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“Sometimes too much to drink is barely enough.”
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“He is now rising from affluence to poverty.”
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“It is easier to stay out than get out.”
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“Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.”
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“Don't say the old lady screamed. Bring her on and let her scream.”
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“India has 2,000,000 gods and worships them all. In religion, all other countries are paupers; India is the only millionaire.”
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“In 'Huckleberry Finn,' I have drawn Tom Blankenship exactly as he was. He was ignorant, unwashed, insufficiently fed; but he had as good a heart as ever any boy had.”
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“It is just like man's vanity and impertinence to call an animal dumb because it is dumb to his dull perceptions.”
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“Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very'; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.”
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“I make it a rule never to smoke while I'm sleeping.”
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“The Christian's Bible is a drug store. Its contents remain the same, but the medical practice changes.”
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“Education consists mainly of what we have unlearned.”
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“Water, taken in moderation, cannot hurt anybody.”
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“When red-haired people are above a certain social grade their hair is auburn.”
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“'Classic.' A book which people praise and don't read.”
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“Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't.”
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“There are times when one would like to hang the whole human race, and finish the farce.”
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“The rule is perfect: in all matters of opinion our adversaries are insane.”
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“It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it.”
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“How lucky Adam was. He knew when he said a good thing, nobody had said it before.”
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“Prophesy is a good line of business, but it is full of risks.”
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“The educated Southerner has no use for an 'r', except at the beginning of a word.”
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“Martyrdom covers a multitude of sins.”
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“We Americans… bear the ark of liberties of the world.”
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“When I was younger I could remember anything, whether it happened or not.”
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“The finest clothing made is a person's own skin, but, of course, society demands something more than this.”
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“Better a broken promise than none at all.”
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“Words are only painted fire; a look is the fire itself.”
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“The wit knows that his place is at the tail of a procession.”
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“One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.”
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“Let us make a special effort to stop communicating with each other, so we can have some conversation.”
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“It put our energies to sleep and made visionaries of us - dreamers and indolent… It is good to begin life poor; it is good to begin life rich - these are wholesome; but to begin it prospectively rich! The man who has not experienced it cannot imagine the curse of it.”
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“When a person cannot deceive himself the chances are against his being able to deceive other people.”
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“The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven.”
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“Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever.”
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“It is my belief that nearly any invented quotation, played with confidence, stands a good chance to deceive.”
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“I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know.”
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“As an example to others, and not that I care for moderation myself, it has always been my rule never to smoke when asleep, and never to refrain from smoking when awake.”
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“George Washington, as a boy, was ignorant of the commonest accomplishments of youth. He could not even lie.”
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“Optimist: day dreamer more elegantly spelled.”