Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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“An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.”
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“Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.”
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“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”
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“I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.”
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“My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.'”
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“I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.”
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“I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.”
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“Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?”
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“I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.”
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“I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.”
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“My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?”
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“I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that… day.”
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“Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.”
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“I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.”
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“This shirt is dry clean only. Which means… it's dirty.”
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“I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.”
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“I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.”
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“Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time… and last night, all those people were at my show.”
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“You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.”
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“When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.”
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“I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.”
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“A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.”
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“The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.”
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“It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.”
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“I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.”
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“I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.”
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“I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.”
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“I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.”
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“I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.”
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“I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.”
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“I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.”
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“If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.”
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“Dogs are forever in the push up postion.”
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“I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.”
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“Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!”
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“A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.”
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“I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.”
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“I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.”
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“Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'”
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“If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.”
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“I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.”
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“Spaghetti… I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.”
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“I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.”
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“I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.”
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“I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.”
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“If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.”
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“Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.”
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“I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.”
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“I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.”
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“Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.”
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“I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.”
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“My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.”
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“Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.”
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“All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.”
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“I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.”
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“Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!”
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“People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”
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“I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.”
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“It's weird… people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?”